Eternally Wandering Scribal Soul

Memories, Love, Worry


Looking back through the memories
Is like turning pages of time
Some things I can see so clearly
Groups of two or four or more sitting
Laughing and talking about things
Comparing notes sharing dreams
I can hear the voices in my mind
I was so happy back then
Never feeling like I was alone
Good times and bad times
And all of those mixed times inbetween
It was a group of us always bound together

Things changed on us the years moved on
Opposite ends of the spectrum we lived
Going through motions learning on our own
Life kept us moving and kept the miles apart
Time and tension and pain and heartbreak
Was I really ever that lighthearted
When I believed loved would be everlasting
When I had no conception how many ways
That one could be broken, how many pieces
That could be in a single person
Back in a time when my biggest worries
Now seem so comparitively small in contrast

I've thought about them often over the years
Always wondering where their paths led them
Wondering if they had found their happiness
Wondering if they thought of me as I thought of them
A random website I almost didn't register for
And now it has brought me back one who was my sister
Through her I learn bits and pieces of them
And it makes me feel like I have a piece of them back
They were family and they represented love
And they are people I have thought of over the years
I look forward to talking to all of them again
But I am so scared to death as well

Have I changed too much to be accepted
Now that so much has happened to me
Now that I've been hurt and so shattered
And am still trying to find all of the pieces to me
How do I ask them all of the questions I'm wondering
Would they see that as being too nosy in their lives
Grasping tendrils from a fractured spirit
Who is having a hard time with her self worth lately
So I sit on this side of the monitor
Carefully choosing what I reveal and what I say
So afraid to risk on losing
When I've just found all of them after so long.

~Muse
March 17, 2010