Eternally Wandering Scribal Soul

Broken Heart, Twisted Path, Walk Of Healing

I was packing up my bookcase and I was cleaning out my heart
I came across your picture, it caused memories to start
Memories, not feeling, for you my heart is asleep
The giant fist that clutched it once is releasing the hurt so deep

I tightened my hand around that photo as I sat down on my bed
I had to close my eyes against all of the images and thoughts in my head
What came between us, at the time I thought I really knew
But here and now I've started realizing that a lot came down to you as well

For so long I beat myself up, blaming myself for it all going wrong
But lately I've started realizing that it wasn't just me who caused the fall
There is always two sides to every problem that happens in a relationship
And I'm weary of finding ways to blame myself for everything that happened

I've sat and cried for so many nights, feeling the loneliness and the grief
I've laid awake, staring at the ceiling, wondering what I could have done
What more could I have changed to keep the end from coming down
Was there one thing that I could have fixed about me to keep you

I've cried so many tears over you, I've drawn so many lines
I've punished myself since then, cutting myself apart over all of this time
I turned myself inside out trying to fix all of my flaws in your eyes
I tried to mold myself into the perfection I thought you were seeking

But I've come to realize that I have to be who I am meant to be
And that maybe I'm just not at that point in life as of yet
The tears of confusion and the feelings of guilt need to fade away
I need to be myself and find everything in my own way

It got to the point I didn't know who I was supposed to be
Too many masks and too many layers confused the hell out of me
I couldn't miraculously transform into what you thought I should
Trying to do so wasn't doing either of us any damned good

It seemed that I would just never become good enough
That I was changing in ways you couldn't accept from me
I was emerging and recreating everything about my life
I was wandering into paths that you couldn't or wouldn't follow

I watched you walk away time after time when we would fight
Finally, it just became too much for me to say it would be all right
And when I watched you walk away from me one time too many
I didn't have the desire to follow you or to beg you to come back

Oh, I know I did my share of begging those last two years
Or from what you have said it was two years that we lost
I'm not sure where my pride went during all of that time
But I guess it decided to come back no matter what the cost

I've spent a lot of time in the last year plus a few months
Trying to put my heart back together and trying to repair my mind
I've retreated from mutual friends because I didn't want to be reminded
About how you and I were no longer a you and I as a team

I spent a lot of time trying to hide the pain you had caused me
Spent a lot of time avoiding you and denying your effect
But the simple fact of the matter was that I felt like you destroyed me
And that you had betrayed everything I had believed in about certain things

I started coming out of my shell in order to learn to function alone again
I started healing things piece by piece as I walked the pathways out
Everything seemed to have been twisted, everything was broken
Everything was dark and bitter and I had to work to find the light

For awhile I hated you, just like I hated her, I hated the both of you
But hate is exhausting and I didn't need any more scars on my soul
I picked myself up and tried to clean myself off, and then I got to work
I had to cut out certain pieces of my life in order to heal

Everything that reminded me of you had to go into a box out of my sight
Books, animals, photos, computers and so many more things of you
Pack them in a box and tape it completely closed where I couldn't see
Put the physical memories so far away from the business of being me

Cards and letters in a file at the bottom of a drawer that rested by my bed
All of those went somewhere that I didn't have to see day by day
And soon the very last strong reminder of what I thought we had shared will be gone
That bed where so many times you had held me close and I believed in forever

I'm having to work to learn to trust people around me again
In all of this, I seem to have forgotten how to let them in
I know you will probably think I am overreacting with the way I've been
But I will say again that you are not the one who had your heart ripped open

No one can decide how it is allowed for another person to feel
Especially in light of every other thing that happens every day around us
I've allowed myself to start standing firm with my feelings and my thoughts
I've started voicing how the feeling of betrayal and hurt made me feel

It's time for me to stop worrying about how people will react to my emotions
It's time for me to be open about everything I have felt and what I think
I'll put your picture back in place between the pages of my mind
I'm leaving you, like you have left me, so very far behind.


~Muse
December 11, 2009