Eternally Wandering Scribal Soul

Shattered Glass Memories


Shards of glass lay at my feet
Reflections of the past somehow shattered
Each one bears sharp or jagged edges
They can cut you deeply if you're not careful

Some are stained freshly red
Some have smears of a darker, dried, colour
There are recent memory wounds and older ones
Some are clear as water, others dark as mud

Laid out where they have all fallen
None of them seem to make any sense
Organizing them into a semblance of order
Doesn't seem to be all that easy

Like jagged pieces of a jigsaw puzzle
They wait for me to build the completed picture
But the story is only partway clearly forming
And I'm hesitant to touch any of them at all

These shards are all pieces of my past
And I'm not sure I should be touching any of them
I wonder if living with the holes of memory's ignorance
Isn't somehow better than risking any further pain.

~Muse
4/10/2012

Memories, Love, Worry


Looking back through the memories
Is like turning pages of time
Some things I can see so clearly
Groups of two or four or more sitting
Laughing and talking about things
Comparing notes sharing dreams
I can hear the voices in my mind
I was so happy back then
Never feeling like I was alone
Good times and bad times
And all of those mixed times inbetween
It was a group of us always bound together

Things changed on us the years moved on
Opposite ends of the spectrum we lived
Going through motions learning on our own
Life kept us moving and kept the miles apart
Time and tension and pain and heartbreak
Was I really ever that lighthearted
When I believed loved would be everlasting
When I had no conception how many ways
That one could be broken, how many pieces
That could be in a single person
Back in a time when my biggest worries
Now seem so comparitively small in contrast

I've thought about them often over the years
Always wondering where their paths led them
Wondering if they had found their happiness
Wondering if they thought of me as I thought of them
A random website I almost didn't register for
And now it has brought me back one who was my sister
Through her I learn bits and pieces of them
And it makes me feel like I have a piece of them back
They were family and they represented love
And they are people I have thought of over the years
I look forward to talking to all of them again
But I am so scared to death as well

Have I changed too much to be accepted
Now that so much has happened to me
Now that I've been hurt and so shattered
And am still trying to find all of the pieces to me
How do I ask them all of the questions I'm wondering
Would they see that as being too nosy in their lives
Grasping tendrils from a fractured spirit
Who is having a hard time with her self worth lately
So I sit on this side of the monitor
Carefully choosing what I reveal and what I say
So afraid to risk on losing
When I've just found all of them after so long.

~Muse
March 17, 2010

Tangled In My Memory

Doing daily tasks online
Nothing too stressful
Not meant to be thought provoking
Spur of the moment decision
Creation process of random
Causes lightheartedness to drain away

First picture on the screen
First name in the list
A name I hadn't thought about in awhile
A face I hadn't seen in years
Silliness fades away as I stare
Door of memory opens too far

You look the same as I remember
Your hair is a bit shorter I guess
Your eyes haven't changed much
Or maybe it's just the pictures I see
I move the mouse away from the name
But at the last minute click on the link

Nothing much is said
So I guess that's good
I hope you're doing well
That's all I have ever hoped for
And as I close the page
I wonder if you ever think of me

The paths of life have been ever changing
Most memories have faded to gray
But sometimes, something startles the mind
Causes more memories to come to life again
I remember in crystal clear clarity
When there were no harsh words between us

A fading patch of carpet
In front of a large movie screen
Costumes to match the movie
Characters in a play
Getting caught up in the roles we played
Easy to do when you're in love I guess

Late nights up at the diner
Smell of smoke and coffee
Laughing at dumb jokes
Squished together in a corner booth
The world was no more than this
Spirits wild and free

Watching the sun come up
Still laughing about the night
Falling asleep when we hit the pillows
Feeling of joy surrounding everything
Wake up late in the day get caffeine
Everything right with our world

I walk away from the computer
Go downstairs to make tea
Smile at what we made as she writes
Shaking my head as she frowns
She wants to know what's wrong
I tell her nothing

She doesn't believe me, of course
She's too wise to be put off
So finally I tell her it was just memories
Memories that had been forgotten
Memories that had been sleeping
Memories I didn't expect

I make a cup of tea
Go back upstairs, pack some more
Keep my mind busy
Not understanding why it won't be quiet
It was so long ago
Friendship lost in so much anger

Will it always be like this, I wonder
Will I always get images of a past
Will they always come when least expected
Will they always cause me to stutter in my steps
Will they always shock me with their appearance
Will they always make me sad

Time for bed, takes too long to sleep
The dreams that come make no sense
Then and now get tangled together
Pain and anger blend into each other
Bitterness braided into memories
Too many corelations between then and now

So I try to tuck your memory away
Lock it back in the closet in my mind
Maybe to forget it again for a little while
Forget it until I can handle thinking about you
Forget it until the pain doesn't smother me
Forget until you are then and not tangled with the pain of now.


~Muse
November 10, 2009

Out Of Sight

I started with the easier things first
The things that would make it the easiest
For me to remove all of them from my sight
So their images and existence
Wouldn't continue to kick me in the gut
Like has been done again in a very thorough way
Video games, CDs, DVDs
They were the first to go into a box
Get them out of my sight so as not to be forced
To remember the happy times spent together
And that at one time there was fun to be had
Oh, I can't forget the memory cards, the controls, the camera

The many souvenirs went in next -- and they were one of the hardest to do
Cars of all sizes, makes and models
Those have to go because when I see them
All I see is you giving them to me
Pulling at lanyards, credentials and images
Anything you got me or we got together from the Track
Well, all those just had to come down off my wall
Because right now seeing all of them
Just makes me get upset that much more
I put the matching Panoz Racing dolls into the box, too
Because they symbolize something that no longer exists
Does that say Nascar?
Yeah, into the box it goes

Next comes all of the t-shirts and jackets
Goddess, what do I do with all of them?
In the end, I decided to hang them in the back of my closet
The very back behind a garment bag where I can't see them
If I can't see them, I won't remember how I felt with each view
I won't remember what each of them meant at the time
First ALMS shirt, "Afterglow" t-shirt, all of the rest
Out of sight, out of mind, right?

Then comes the stuffed animals
The bears, the cats, the rest
The plastic tub should be big enough
To hold them, plus all of the photos and cards
And the books of poetry I once wrote for only you
Those all go in to be shut away from my sight
It seems pretty damn fitting, at least to me.
All of the jewelery, the necklaces
The matching rings that had promises attached in a way
The necklace that was for yesterday, today and a promise for tomorrow
Pendants, stones, the first necklace from you I ever wore
All of those go into a wooden box and locked away
Out of my sight where it can't hurt me to see.

The hardest one to pack away was the final item
The little white iBook I loved so much
Because even that has memories and ties
So it went into its own box on the top shelf of my closest

Everything that reminds me of you
Just has to go out of my sight.


~Muse
March 5, 2009

Tried To Be Someone Else

I tried to be someone else
Someone that wasn't me
I reached inside and
Tore myself to pieces
All trying to please you
Nothing could appease you

You didn't like who I was
Tore me down
Broke me in so many pieces
Let me know I wasn't good enough
I was flawed
That you couldn't do it any more

You left me there bleeding
Feeling so worthless
Feeling so alone
It took me some time
But I got to my knees
Then stood on my feet again

I couldn't be something I'm not
I couldn't be everything you wanted
And you used that as an excuse
When she came back into your life
Put all of the blame on me
And once I believed it

I put the pieces I could find
Back together as best I could
I started to move forward
I started to heal
Then you did it again
Made me cry

I sit here tonight
Replaying your words and wonder
What you hope to prove now
Now that I'm no longer
Waiting by the phone
Hanging on you every word

Now I'm wiping away my tears
Trying to gain my focus again
You still find ways to get to me
But not like before
You destroyed that loyal heart
Threw it away for her

I am who I am
Working on the real me
Being with people who are true
Who love me for everything I am
And for the things that I am not

They tell me the hurt will fade
The tears will dry
The heart will heal
I'm no longer in your shadow
I'm turning back to the moonlight
This is who I really am


~Muse
4/10/08

Chinks In My Armour

It's hard
Separating myself
Because you can still get to me
The tone of your voice
The words that you say
They still manage to cut deep
You can still hurt me
Make me off-balanced
Make me fall apart

Even after everything
After the way you tore out my heart
With your words
With your actions
With your inclusions of her
You can still push my buttons
Make me feel so damn guilty
Make me feel lower than anything
You can still make me cry

You have shattered so much of me
Made me doubt so much
Made me doubt myself
You don't need me any more
At least that's what you said
When you shattered my heart
You ripped me apart
Over a cup of tea
You didn't ever expect me to walk out
Then again, niether did I

But I did
Set down the cup on the table
Said goodbye
I don't know who was more surprised
You... or me

It's been some time since that afternoon
You'd think I'd be over you by now
That I could have purged everything about you
From my mind and my soul
But my heart is still raw
You still have it in your hands
I can't seem to protect myself
Can't protect me from you

And I still cry over you
Sometimes...
I still miss you

You were my other half
For such a very long time
It's hard not having you there
To hold me and to talk to me
And there are times I want
To reach out to you and for you
But I try to force myself
To avoid everything about you

Because whethe I always
Believe it or not
I deserve so much better
Than what you have done to me.

~Muse
10/11/07