Eternally Wandering Scribal Soul

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If I sit here and sift through memories
Without trying to sort out real from unreal
Past relationships make me realize one major thing
In most of them I seemed to be merely a placeholder
A placeholder in their hearts and in their lives
Kept close until something they wanted more arrived

I don't think I've been loved first in a very long time
Everything that I remember says that I never have been
I have always been second best, come in second place
Easier to give up when someone else came along
I read and write about and see movie true love
And I wish I could be loved like that

What is it about me or who I am
That makes it so easy to replace me
What major wrong did I do in a past life
To make me unworthy of being loved
Is it really too much for me to wish for
To be loved by someone and kept close forever more?


~Muse
April 4, 2010

Broken Heart, Twisted Path, Walk Of Healing

I was packing up my bookcase and I was cleaning out my heart
I came across your picture, it caused memories to start
Memories, not feeling, for you my heart is asleep
The giant fist that clutched it once is releasing the hurt so deep

I tightened my hand around that photo as I sat down on my bed
I had to close my eyes against all of the images and thoughts in my head
What came between us, at the time I thought I really knew
But here and now I've started realizing that a lot came down to you as well

For so long I beat myself up, blaming myself for it all going wrong
But lately I've started realizing that it wasn't just me who caused the fall
There is always two sides to every problem that happens in a relationship
And I'm weary of finding ways to blame myself for everything that happened

I've sat and cried for so many nights, feeling the loneliness and the grief
I've laid awake, staring at the ceiling, wondering what I could have done
What more could I have changed to keep the end from coming down
Was there one thing that I could have fixed about me to keep you

I've cried so many tears over you, I've drawn so many lines
I've punished myself since then, cutting myself apart over all of this time
I turned myself inside out trying to fix all of my flaws in your eyes
I tried to mold myself into the perfection I thought you were seeking

But I've come to realize that I have to be who I am meant to be
And that maybe I'm just not at that point in life as of yet
The tears of confusion and the feelings of guilt need to fade away
I need to be myself and find everything in my own way

It got to the point I didn't know who I was supposed to be
Too many masks and too many layers confused the hell out of me
I couldn't miraculously transform into what you thought I should
Trying to do so wasn't doing either of us any damned good

It seemed that I would just never become good enough
That I was changing in ways you couldn't accept from me
I was emerging and recreating everything about my life
I was wandering into paths that you couldn't or wouldn't follow

I watched you walk away time after time when we would fight
Finally, it just became too much for me to say it would be all right
And when I watched you walk away from me one time too many
I didn't have the desire to follow you or to beg you to come back

Oh, I know I did my share of begging those last two years
Or from what you have said it was two years that we lost
I'm not sure where my pride went during all of that time
But I guess it decided to come back no matter what the cost

I've spent a lot of time in the last year plus a few months
Trying to put my heart back together and trying to repair my mind
I've retreated from mutual friends because I didn't want to be reminded
About how you and I were no longer a you and I as a team

I spent a lot of time trying to hide the pain you had caused me
Spent a lot of time avoiding you and denying your effect
But the simple fact of the matter was that I felt like you destroyed me
And that you had betrayed everything I had believed in about certain things

I started coming out of my shell in order to learn to function alone again
I started healing things piece by piece as I walked the pathways out
Everything seemed to have been twisted, everything was broken
Everything was dark and bitter and I had to work to find the light

For awhile I hated you, just like I hated her, I hated the both of you
But hate is exhausting and I didn't need any more scars on my soul
I picked myself up and tried to clean myself off, and then I got to work
I had to cut out certain pieces of my life in order to heal

Everything that reminded me of you had to go into a box out of my sight
Books, animals, photos, computers and so many more things of you
Pack them in a box and tape it completely closed where I couldn't see
Put the physical memories so far away from the business of being me

Cards and letters in a file at the bottom of a drawer that rested by my bed
All of those went somewhere that I didn't have to see day by day
And soon the very last strong reminder of what I thought we had shared will be gone
That bed where so many times you had held me close and I believed in forever

I'm having to work to learn to trust people around me again
In all of this, I seem to have forgotten how to let them in
I know you will probably think I am overreacting with the way I've been
But I will say again that you are not the one who had your heart ripped open

No one can decide how it is allowed for another person to feel
Especially in light of every other thing that happens every day around us
I've allowed myself to start standing firm with my feelings and my thoughts
I've started voicing how the feeling of betrayal and hurt made me feel

It's time for me to stop worrying about how people will react to my emotions
It's time for me to be open about everything I have felt and what I think
I'll put your picture back in place between the pages of my mind
I'm leaving you, like you have left me, so very far behind.


~Muse
December 11, 2009

Tangled In My Memory

Doing daily tasks online
Nothing too stressful
Not meant to be thought provoking
Spur of the moment decision
Creation process of random
Causes lightheartedness to drain away

First picture on the screen
First name in the list
A name I hadn't thought about in awhile
A face I hadn't seen in years
Silliness fades away as I stare
Door of memory opens too far

You look the same as I remember
Your hair is a bit shorter I guess
Your eyes haven't changed much
Or maybe it's just the pictures I see
I move the mouse away from the name
But at the last minute click on the link

Nothing much is said
So I guess that's good
I hope you're doing well
That's all I have ever hoped for
And as I close the page
I wonder if you ever think of me

The paths of life have been ever changing
Most memories have faded to gray
But sometimes, something startles the mind
Causes more memories to come to life again
I remember in crystal clear clarity
When there were no harsh words between us

A fading patch of carpet
In front of a large movie screen
Costumes to match the movie
Characters in a play
Getting caught up in the roles we played
Easy to do when you're in love I guess

Late nights up at the diner
Smell of smoke and coffee
Laughing at dumb jokes
Squished together in a corner booth
The world was no more than this
Spirits wild and free

Watching the sun come up
Still laughing about the night
Falling asleep when we hit the pillows
Feeling of joy surrounding everything
Wake up late in the day get caffeine
Everything right with our world

I walk away from the computer
Go downstairs to make tea
Smile at what we made as she writes
Shaking my head as she frowns
She wants to know what's wrong
I tell her nothing

She doesn't believe me, of course
She's too wise to be put off
So finally I tell her it was just memories
Memories that had been forgotten
Memories that had been sleeping
Memories I didn't expect

I make a cup of tea
Go back upstairs, pack some more
Keep my mind busy
Not understanding why it won't be quiet
It was so long ago
Friendship lost in so much anger

Will it always be like this, I wonder
Will I always get images of a past
Will they always come when least expected
Will they always cause me to stutter in my steps
Will they always shock me with their appearance
Will they always make me sad

Time for bed, takes too long to sleep
The dreams that come make no sense
Then and now get tangled together
Pain and anger blend into each other
Bitterness braided into memories
Too many corelations between then and now

So I try to tuck your memory away
Lock it back in the closet in my mind
Maybe to forget it again for a little while
Forget it until I can handle thinking about you
Forget it until the pain doesn't smother me
Forget until you are then and not tangled with the pain of now.


~Muse
November 10, 2009

Out Of Sight

I started with the easier things first
The things that would make it the easiest
For me to remove all of them from my sight
So their images and existence
Wouldn't continue to kick me in the gut
Like has been done again in a very thorough way
Video games, CDs, DVDs
They were the first to go into a box
Get them out of my sight so as not to be forced
To remember the happy times spent together
And that at one time there was fun to be had
Oh, I can't forget the memory cards, the controls, the camera

The many souvenirs went in next -- and they were one of the hardest to do
Cars of all sizes, makes and models
Those have to go because when I see them
All I see is you giving them to me
Pulling at lanyards, credentials and images
Anything you got me or we got together from the Track
Well, all those just had to come down off my wall
Because right now seeing all of them
Just makes me get upset that much more
I put the matching Panoz Racing dolls into the box, too
Because they symbolize something that no longer exists
Does that say Nascar?
Yeah, into the box it goes

Next comes all of the t-shirts and jackets
Goddess, what do I do with all of them?
In the end, I decided to hang them in the back of my closet
The very back behind a garment bag where I can't see them
If I can't see them, I won't remember how I felt with each view
I won't remember what each of them meant at the time
First ALMS shirt, "Afterglow" t-shirt, all of the rest
Out of sight, out of mind, right?

Then comes the stuffed animals
The bears, the cats, the rest
The plastic tub should be big enough
To hold them, plus all of the photos and cards
And the books of poetry I once wrote for only you
Those all go in to be shut away from my sight
It seems pretty damn fitting, at least to me.
All of the jewelery, the necklaces
The matching rings that had promises attached in a way
The necklace that was for yesterday, today and a promise for tomorrow
Pendants, stones, the first necklace from you I ever wore
All of those go into a wooden box and locked away
Out of my sight where it can't hurt me to see.

The hardest one to pack away was the final item
The little white iBook I loved so much
Because even that has memories and ties
So it went into its own box on the top shelf of my closest

Everything that reminds me of you
Just has to go out of my sight.


~Muse
March 5, 2009

Made by kajivar

So, I haven't used my poetry journal in a long time, but that's about to change.

No harm, no foul if you'd rather not stay. These are going to be my poems and my emotions (some of which I have kept in a notebook all year and not posted), so some of them will be full of emotion and may be hurtful. However, they are mine and they come from my feelings and emotions and thoughts, so they will be posted. There are no filters on this journal and there will not be.

Sometimes...

When I'm alone in the darkness
And the pain hits
Or the nightmares come
And I awake with tears
And quiet sobs
I remember
How very alone I feel

You Just Don't Get It

You sit on your comfy pseudo throne of apathy
Twitching your fingers and saying pretty words
Expecting me to come running when you call
Guilting me for not spending time with you

And even when I have come to see you
You talk about her incessantly --
What you've bought her what she's bought you
I never realized how materialistic that you can be

I didn't buy you anything this year
I wasn't able to afford anything right now
You got me a gift card to a health food store
Because I've gained so much weight lately

I know I have gotten "fat" and I'm doing what I can
But having you point out what I'm not doing
All that does in make me feel worse
And go look for something fattening for comfort

You "know I still have feelings for you"
And you know that I "have got to be missing the sex"
After all, I'm "a very sensual creature"
I "don't tend to do well when I am alone"

How much of this is shaped by your perceptions of me
Feeding and twisting my self-esteem and my strength
I'm tired of feeling so alone in your conversation
I'm tired of wanting to do nothing but cul up and cry

~Muse
1/31/08

I'm Not Your Fairy Tale
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You wanna rescue me
Come riding up on your prancing steed
Armour shining as you heft your sword
You wanna slay my dragons, be my hero
Well, thanks, but no thanks
I take your sword and swing it true
I slay my own damn dragons
Haven't you heard
Sir George died a very long time ago.

I'm not your Sleeping Beauty
Waiting for your kiss to wake me
Waiting on a bed of thorns
For my Prince to come
Cuz if I'd pricked my finger
And fell into a coma
The last thing I would want
Would be a showboating hero prince
That's so not in my repertoire.

I'm no fucking Cinderella
Looking for a damn chick with a wand
Who'll turn me into a princess
Send me to the ball
Make the dream end at midnight
Bullshit
Don't come near me with that shoe
It just doesn't fit
That glass shattered a thousand lifetimes ago.

It's just not my style.
I wield a sword better than I wield false modesty
i just don't have it in me
To play those games with you
Why do you want to be my hero
When I have my own hero inside of me?

I ain't no Snow White
Hiding out with seven dwarves
Letting myself be tempted by poisoned fruit
Falling into a death sleep
That only a misbegotten Prince
Can seem to rescue me from
Dude, I learned a lesson well from Eve
That fucking apple is just not for me.

You want to see me on my knees
You want to see me broken-hearted
You want to pretend to rescue me
You want to play the hero
You want me to forget
What it is to be me.

I'm not some lovestruck mermaid
Laying in repose on the sand
Watching you swim and play
You cannot put me on a shiny pedestal
Well can't you see that marble's crumbling
And that is just not the place for the one I am.

I don't need a hero, I can fight back on my own
Why is it so hard for you
To back up and let me be me?
I'm not a wounded princess
I'm not a project you can lay claim to
This ain't no fucking fairy tale.


~Seraphiel
January 5, 2006

Impossible Change

It hurts so much
To breathe
To think
To talk
To cry
To exist.

Hiding under the shower
So none will hear your tears
Feeling broken from all of it
Choking back words
Wanting to curl into yourself
Want to make the hurt disappear

Can't sleep for the dreams and the pain in your heart
Can't eat because food just sticks in your throat right now
Can't focus because you replay those words in your mind
Can't talk because doing so makes you cry

The pain threatens to break you
You've never felt like this before
Can't put on a happy face
Especially when your smiles don't reach your eyes
You're seeing the world through a haze of gray
Don't believe the colours will ever come out again

Going through the motions
Trying to make it through each day
But there are times you think you cannot do it
Times you just want to drop in your path
Because the pain in your heart is threatening to choke you
And the tears are burning your eyes

You don't see how someone can hurt this much
And still be breathing
But you are and it doesn't make sense
Crushed and broken and falling to pieces inside
But you try to be strong so others don't see
How incredibly impossible this change is for you.


~Seraphiel
May 6, 2007

Weathering The Storm

Curling up in the corner
Arms wrapped around my knees
Tears getting lost in the denim
As I try to make sense out of the hurt

Words can cut like knives
Making tears run like blood
The silence can sometimes be worse
Than the whispered comments

The winds of change have been coming
And they sometimes can be tearing as well
I'm not sure what this wind will bring
Not sure if this is a storm I can weather

My hands are shaking and I close my eyes
These are things that cause me to weaken
No matter how hard I try to be strong
I just don't see how this can all end well

The tears and the rain all seem to mix
The winds and the sound of my cries
The thunder rolls around in the air
Sort of like the words that have been thrown

I'm feeling quite alone in the midst of this storm
Not having an anchor close at hand
Caught between a hurricane and a tsunami
My head threatening to burst at the seams

I don't know how this will end
Who will still be standing when the rains end
I don't know how to shield myself from the pain
Or how to get myself through this unscathed

~Seraphiel
August 8, 2005