Eternally Wandering Scribal Soul

One Of Those Days
----------------------

Ever have one of those days
You know those days when it seems
That everything goes so damn wrong
And nothing ever goes right
Where everything you say
Makes things that much worse
No matter how hard you try
Enemies and loved ones both
Slam your heart back in your face
Ever have one of those days?

Ever have one of those days
Where you want to curl up and cry
Dig yourself a deep chasm of hurt
And just hide away for awhile
When even your good mood
Turns in something so painful
Where all your good intentions
Are used to cut you open
Words sharper than poisoned blades
Ever have one of those days?

Ever have one of those days
Where you feel so powerless
When those closest to you shut you out
Like a door slamming in your face
Where hiding behind your walls
You build back up to mask yourself
Suddenly seems like a good idea
Where falling into oblivion so you can't feel
Seems better than showing your tears
Or admitting someone hurt you deeply.

Ever have one of those days?

~Seraphiel~
June 27, 2005

Phoenix and Roase
------------------------------

I never thought it would come to this
Never expected my heart to be at risk
But now that it has happened
I close my eyes and float on the wind...

Phoenix dancing among the fires
Twining in and out among the colored flames
Rose held firmly in your mighty talons
Blending the two of you into one

You sing your song in the flames
Burning for that which you desire
Sing some more my avian flame
Share with me the secrets you keep

Dancing, dancing oh creature of wonder
Keeping my eyes glued to you
Touch me, touch me, bird of fire
Guide me into that sensual burning

The rose grows among the flames
It's petals edged in silver
Growing, blooming, reaching still
Wrapping itself around the bird of fire

Burning, burning the two become one
Showing me what I seek
Burning, yearning, blending, binding
Binding me to the vows I now speak

Quicksilver flame of my heart
Blood red rose on the pyre
Phoenix and rose, the two become one
Now show me what it is you desire.

~Seraphiel

Reflections in C Flat
---------------------

I heard a song on my car radio
It was from a tape I had made many moons ago
In a time when it seemed all I had were tears
And I found that I was in tears again
But it was different this time
So many memories flooding back to me

A tape made in sadness and depression
One that made so many things seem clear
Eightteen songs of love and friendship gone wrong
But the song that struck me like a blow
Was one that you had introduced me to
About leaving and starting over and hurting

It made me remember a time when we could talk
When we called each other friend and lover
When we were never far from each other's thoughts
A time when I could rely on you to be there
And you knew I'd always give it to you straight
Before other things came between us

"What came between us, maybe we were just too young to know"
If we had known how it would all end up
Would we have done things any differently
Could you have been more supportive and comforting
Could I have tried to communicate things a little clearer
Would it have made things any better

If we had been a little older, a little stronger
Would we have handled things in a more mature way
Or would we have done it all the same
Would we have been stupid all over again
Both with too much pride to bend even a little
Both too stubborn to alter even a little

Would you still have buried yourself in too much work
Both from school and your stint in retail hell
Then sitting in front of your computer
Crawling into your bottle every night
Filling your bowl, smoking it dowmn
Never noticing the distress I was trying to handle

Would I have still buried everything inside
Danced along the edge of total destruction
Taking off my clothes in neon-lit dens of hell
Turning to tequila and powder-lined mirrors
Killing myself an inch at a time
Too blind to understand that you didn't have all of the answers

We were both whores to different masters
You to your friends, your ideals and your booze
Me to a demon who would tell me he wanted me
People who said they cared, and snow with razor blades
You became the epitome of societal perfection
While I sought the path of destruction in a blaze of glory

Our paths crossed again with so many wounds still bleeding
You in a three-piece suit with every hair in immaculate place
Me looking feral in paint, heels and gauze
You condemned me with your eyes as you raised your glass
I responded by "desecrating' songs that had meant so much to us
We could have handled things so much better but we didn't even try

Somehow, we started communicating again
Not so much verbally, but you wanted what I had learned
( ---All those years you never knew
---All the things that I could do
---I keep them in a hidden place
---So I can rub them in your face)
And while you whored for the bottle
I whored for you in our private lives
I was good enough to fuck, good enough to crave
But no longer good enough to forge anything stronger with

We were nothing but children
Lashing out like only children can
Drink and fuck, fight and lie, curse and cry
Then something happened that was unforseen
You reacted in a way that I couldn't begin to accept
I withdrew and fled in a direction you couldn't fathom

It's been thirteen years since I met you
Nine years since I've seen you
I no longer have any anger towards you
No longer any bitterness
Just a deep rooted sadness
Over the friendship and love that pride destroyed

I hope life has been good to you
I hope you found the life you so craved
I hope you found someone to make you happy
Who loves you as I once truly did
Isis be with you my old love
And I hope you are at peace in your world.

~Seraphiel
Original date written, unknown.

I dream of fire.
I worship the flames.
I know that they will burn
They will encompass me
Enflame me
Scald away all that I am
And I do not care…

And when the laughter
Starts to taste like tears
Will you still be there?

When the lights start to dim
And she starts to fall again
Will you be willing to catch her?

When her eyes start to close
And she pulls away to hide
Are you strong enough?

Emotional Meltdown

I'm sitting, curled up in my bed
Tears moving down my cheeks
If you asked, I couldn't hope to explain
I couldn't say why I'm so upset

It started when I was driving home
But I managed to hold it all in
I came into my room and stretched out
And that's when I started to cry

I'm laying across my bed
Face buried in the pillows
And trying to pinpoint the cause
Only serves to make me cry even more

I'm finding no reason for the tears
Nor for feeling so very alone
And as I try to make some sense of this
My chest tightens and more tears come

Finally, my eyes cannot remain open
Although the tears have not stopped
I search for answers in my dreams
And hope this pain will soon make sense.

~Seraphiel

Fifth Stanza

This turn of the verse hasn't been easy
You've had to dance the dance of the unexpected
And even though the chorus was new and unknown
You made sure that the song continued on
You took my hand and walked me through
You taught me the steps to a painful and confusing dance
During the whole routine you helped me dance
And held me on my feet when I lost my strength.

When you found out what was to come
You never faltered in your steps as it began
You showed up, took my hand and looked into my eyes
From the very first moment the new music began
You moved with me from rehearsal to rehearsal
At times making my head rest on your shoulder while you carried me
And every time I faltered or wandered away to get lost in the darkness
It was your eyes of brilliant fire that led me through and back to you.

You were given so many chances to end the music and walk away from the dance
But that was never something you even considered or thought about
You danced to the music of the new verse
Holdng me close to you, you'd see that I'd make it through
You sang to me, led my demons a merry dance
Your voice anchored me, your steps led me with you
And when I would get lost and was so terrified
It was your voice, My Phoenix, that led me to the light.

You sang to me a new song of life and of love
And you were so good at keeping me from losing faith
You danced nimbly around the road blocks
Thrown at you by so many power-hungry mongrels
You kept ahold of my hand throughout that dance
You never once allowed either of us to fall
Our love stayed strong during this stanza
Together we made it through an unexpected song.

I love you, My Phoenix
You brought me through the fire
Your eyes helped me find my way back
You were my light in the darkness
Your hands anchored me when I floated away
You never even considered letting me go
Your voice gave me a direction
And I made it back to your arms.

Here's hoping the song gets smoother
And no new cacophonies are thrown
I love you, My Phoenix, and I always will
You reminded me that we are stronger together
We have a connection that many write about
And again we've proven how deep we go
We'll always come out on top, my roaring fire
And be dancing together long after the song has ended.

~Seraphiel

Darkness
---------

I'm sitting alone in the dark
Clutching a stuffed animal to my chest
The tears that flood my eyes
Disappearing into that fur
I feel so alone, I feel so confused
Unsure about my place in the group

I hide in my room, silence my friend
Curled up under my blankets
The cold tearing at my heart
The loneliness ripping me apart
I don't understand these feelings
But that doesn't help my hurt

My head feels like a heavy weight
My tears won't seem to fade
I sit here again
Trying to make sense of it all.

~Seraphiel
January 12, 2004

I Need You
-------------

I need you...

Does this surprise you, that I
Who barreled through life unconcerned
Who was oblivious of my own safety
Who wanted to stand alone
And fight the things that plagued me
Me, who wanted to make it on my own
Who refused to accept help when offered
Who stubbornly raced myself into danger
Who allowed myself to fall into doom
Who wished to survive my own hurricane
Have faltered in my solitary quest
Does it amaze you so bloody much
That I wish to let someone in
That I am admitting to be in love
Does it amuse you
That I am swallowing all of pride...

That I *need* you...

~Seraphiel

Reality Defiency Syndrome
---------------------------

I sit listening to the same words
I think I could almost recite them
You're walking along the razor's edge
And with one breath you could tumble over
You've allowed yourself to become consumed
With the idea of falling to the darkness
You're not thinking rationally
Ignoring the world as it moves along
Obsessing over the things in the shadows
Losing your grip on who you are

You're drawing lines in the sand again
You're provoking strong reactions again
You're dancing your dance of despair
Reeling those who care inside your obsession
Smothering them in your reality defiency
And when they try to pull themselves away
You hiss and lash out at their weakest point
Never realizing as you hurt them
How badly you will end up hurting yourself
When you try to make them choose only one

How many times will you push those buttons
How many times will you smother in your war
When will the one you think hangs on forever
Let go at last and slip away from your mire
Did you think attacking that one's soul mate
Would truly be taken into a normal stride
Silence and stoicism can only last so long
Did you never notice the deterioration of your thread
The ties that bind snapping one by one by one

You're drowning in your web of delusions again
Having a difficult time keeping your storylines straight
You're losing track of your worlds again
The web you created no longer meshing
Your realities are waivering and blurring again
As you wander in and out of your lifetime nightmare
How many of your loved ones do you not see backing away
While you seek to entangle them ever tighter
We wonder as you weave your webs of illusion
Will you notice when you've made yourself all alone?

~Seraphiel~