Eternally Wandering Scribal Soul

Tomorrow's the day
We've already said our goodbyes
We cried some and made some promises
Promises that never seem to be kept
It hurts, deeper than I thought
You were one of the first
One of the ones I connected with
For four years we've been so close
Always within driving distance
Never allowing ourselves to be far
Just a short drive from one another
Even if we didn't talk every day
We knew the other was always there
We were just a short drive away

But now all of that is changing
And nothing I could say will change it
So I try to cry myself out
So no one will see my pain
But it hurts so badly to say goodbye

"I wish I could trust just this once
"But you must do what you must
"Believe me,
"I don't want you to go
"And it'll grieve me
"'Cause I love you so
"We both know
"I wish you would stay..."

So I'll sit in the dark and weep my tears
And I'll make sure I show only a smile
Because that's all I want you to see now
I'll do my best to wish you well
While all along I wish you would stay
This is your home and your family
And we don't understand why you must go
Wish I could take you by the hand
And point out everything that wants you here
I would lead you through this land
Showing you how much we love you
And beg you not to go

But I do none of that
Because I know your mind is made up
And you wont be swayed from this
I hope you realize how much you leave behind
And I wonder if he knows how much tears are shed
Does he know you're ripping out our hearts
And is he worthy of a love that gives up all
Will you know how much our hearts are breaking
When we say goodbye?

~~Seraphiel~~
~June 10, 2003~

Cliffs
------

She stands on the edge of a cliff
Alone as the winds blow against her
She can feel the ground crumbling
Beneath her feet
As she fights to regain stability
But every time she feels secure and balanced
A little more crumbles away

She goes through the pages of her mind
Making sure she was complete and thorough
She had torn all of her loved ones from her
Like the fragile pages from a scrapbook
She had set them free among the winds
So they would not be hurt when she fell

She's not so sure she has the strength anymore
To overcome anything adverse tossed her way
Her defenses and armor are disintegrating
She doesn't know how long she can hold it all in
Pretending to everyone she's so in control
All the while knowing she was going to take a fall

She cut all of her loved ones out of her life
Not taking the time for any explanations
She can feel her mask start to slip away
As it becomes so much harder not to break down
The ground seems to be crumbling beneath her
And there is nothing for her to grab onto

"Leave me alone" "Stay away" "I don't care about you any more"
Her messages were terse and untrue, but effective
She made them all believe she just didn't care
While all the while her heart was shattering
But she didn't want them to see her lose it completely
Witnesses as a Phoenix crashed to the ground

She's falling apart inside
But her facade stays in place
She can't explain why she's going to pieces
Only that she can't prevent her slide
And so she clings to her shrinking solitude
As the cliff continues to break away from beneath her...

~~Seraphiel
February 24, 2003

I dream of fire
I worship the flames
I know that they will burn
They will encompass me
Enflame me
Scald away all that I am
And I do not care...

And inferno building
Deep within me
One that I'm having
Difficulty containing
My thoughts and wishes
My feelings that overwhelm
Things that weigh me down...

Do I tell him
Or let them fester
Burn and kill
Like acid on my soul
Sandpaper on my heart
Fire and ice in my brain
Everything so mixed up...

I don't understand
These twisted thoughts
These emotions that rage
Like molten lava
And erupting volcano
I'm struggling to control
Fighting the heated flow...

So I hide
Feigning things I don't feel
Collapsing in the safety
Of the darkness of my mind
Close my eyes
Fall into the dreams
And talk with Morpheus...

Maybe I should be
Chatting it up with Eros instead
Or Hathor as well
But that would just make it
So much worse
Because then he'd know
And be bothered...

So I continue
Volunteering for twelve hours
Sleeping when I can
Running when I can't
Fire in my veins
Lava in my blood
Fire and Flames...

~Seraphiel~

Don't look back when you head for the door
Because if you do it'll only hurt more
Don't stop to explain, don't tell me why
If you're going to leave just tell me goodbye

I love you, I'll miss you
It'll be different without you
I can't tie you down you need to fly free
And I can't make you be loyal to me

Seasons change as do we all
I can't help if you're headed for a fall
It hurts for us to go our separate ways
Hopefully soon we'll both see more than gray

So don't look back, I'll tell you again
Just lock the door if this is the end.

12/13/02

My head is pounding as I try to get through my day
---Should have checked my bag for my glasses this morning
My heart is aching, my chest is tightening
As I read everything that has been sent to me

I'm still unclear on what exactly happened
On why this blow-up had occurred
Why two such good friends drew knives
And did their best to draw each other's blood

"And every time you tried to hurt me
"I just hurt you even worse and so much deeper..."

I've seen them do this once before
It was over three years ago
Right after I came into the picture
And the pain on both sides left me bitter

And now I'm in the middle.

On the one side, I have her
She's been a friend/sister off and on for almost seven years
We've had our issues and went our own ways
Only to find our way back to each other again

On the other side, I have him
Someone I've searched all of my life for
Someone I've banged heads with repeatedly
Someone who has healed my mind and soul

And now, I'm in the middle.

Who do I stand with
What do I do
Do I have to make a choice
Between life and love?

They stab at each other
With words sharper than knives
Blood from invisible wounds
Splashes me from both sides

Is it possible for me to keep them both even if they hate each other
And would she really ruin something that means the world to me
By banning him completely from the vicinity
Knowing me as well as she does and how this would hurt me

Would he really cut her off completely
Making things a little bit awkward for us
They've been so close
And it was him who encouraged all to forgive

Soulmate or Heartmate
Do I really have to take a side
No matter which way I turn
I may not have a choice.

And now, I'm in the middle.

~~DKS~~
11/25/02

Ever have one of those days
You know those days when it seems
That everything goes so damn wrong
And nothing ever goes right
Where everything you say
Makes things that much worse
No matter how hard you try
Enemies and loved ones both
Slam your heart back in your face
Ever have one of those days?

Ever have one of those days
Where you want to curl up and cry
Dig yourself a deep chasm of hurt
And just hide away for awhile
When even your good mood
Turns in something so painful
Where all your good intentions
Are used to cut you open
Words sharper than poisoned blades
Ever have one of those days?

Ever have one of those days
Where you feel so powerless
When those closest to you shut you out
Like a door slamming in your face
Where hiding behind your walls
You build back up to mask yourself
Suddenly seems like a good idea
Where falling into oblivion so you can't feel
Seems better than showing your tears
Or admitting someone hurt you deeply.

Ever have one of those days?

~Seraphiel~

I'm not myself this morning
According to a friend
I don't look at anyone directly
Scared they'll see the tears I'm trying to hide.
Words said in the darkness
Weigh so heavily in the light of day.
Being accused like you did
Hurt me more than I think I can stand.
I'm sitting here so unsure of many things
I thought we were the stable in the world
And now I'm not so sure.
All I can think of right now is how hurt I am
Unwillingly replaying every detail from last night.
I didn't mean to make things difficult
I thought it meant the same to you as it did me.
Because even though we kissed and made up
Your painful words won't leave me be.
Words from last night haunt me
The way you looked at me cuts like a blade.
It's harder and harder to hold my tears back
Harder still not to bolt and run.
I want to crawl into a hole for awhile
Just to hide and to cry.
Because I'm still not sure what all of this means
Or what is happening between you and me.
You accused me of playing games
And of making stuff up.
But you're the one who used that phrase before I did
And to one of our dearest friends.
We kissed and made up
You stroked my hair and told me how much you loved me.
But my night didn't pass restfully
And I'm still bursting into tears suddenly.
So what do I do in this situation
How do I handle this?
Do I do everything you want me to
Become a clone of some other person.
Do I step back and watch and wait
Until you decide you want to come see me?
I don't know how to react, or what you want
You're so good at saying one thing and doing another.
You don't want me to come and invade your space
But you don't want to come to mine, either.
You complain because we spend more time at my place
Than we seem to do yours.
We do this because at my place you pay attention
At yours you are forever putting me in second place.
You would never let yourself be put second
Something you've stressed to me over and over.
But when I borrow a page from your book
You proceed to tell me how inflexible I am.
I love you and I know you love me
But I believe you're not sure what you want me to be.
You want me to be strong, and be flexible
Want me to put my foot down, but also back down.
Don't like the way others treat me
But are blind when you do the same thing.
You tell me how important I am to you
But lash out at me in the next breath.
Part of me tries to figure out what I did wrong
While the other part can't believe you're acting this way.
I feel a tightness in my chest
One I have felt only once before.
I sit at work all day
Avoiding everyone's questions and conversation.
I just want to go home
And crawl into a hole and die for awhile.
Did I do wrong in getting stronger
Should I have stayed in your shadow?
Would I be feeling this way now
If I hadn't tried to find my strength?
I'm confused and feeling so unsure of myself now
Wondering what caused you to feel so smothered.
I did my best to stay away from you often
Tried to give you your space I thought you needed.
I have spent many nights alone in the darkness
Fighting the urge to call you, to see if I could come over.
So I deal with the loneliness and the sadness
Trying to make sure I don't crowd you.
I don't know who you want me to be
But I also know I don't want to get in your way.
I love you, my beloved feathered firestorm
And I don't want to do anything to jeopardize what we have.
So I will be me and try to stay out of the way
But if you want me, you know where I'll be.
I love you, and no I'm not leaving your side,
I just don't know what you want me to be.
You know I'm on your side and will always be here for you
But I'm going to try to only come around when *you* ask.
I love you...
But I love me, too.
So if you want to see me, if you want to make plans
Pick up the phone or the keyboard, you know where I am.
You have made sure you can always reach me
So utilize the arrangements you have made.
I love you, my phoenix,
Please don't misunderstand.
I am not leaving your life, not breaking up with you
Just trying to make sure I don't make you feel crowded.
And just to make sure you understand what I mean,
Remember what we said last night to each other.
I love you, and you love me
No matter the troubles, I am still yours
And always will be.
So I'll see you when I see you
And I'll try not to be demanding of your time.
But when you begin feeling lonely
In bed with me you'll be welcome to be.

~~Seraphiel~~
November 4, 2002